Tag Archives: Happiness

What My Horoscope Should Have Said

12 Jun

“Capricorn, you’ve always felt the need to free yourself from society. You need to feel independent at any cost. You may need to face certain relationship problems at this time. Perhaps you’re hesitant to commit either at work or in your personal life. You may ask yourself if your attitude isn’t in fact revealing a desire to get away from it all. Perhaps you’ll find the answer today.” 

What I’ve learned from my horoscope today is that horoscopes are BS. The alarm clock went off for Mike at 4:44 am this morning. He asked me, “What time do you need to get up?” I responded. I hoped to fall back asleep but the bathroom beckoned. I used the bathroom, went back to bed and was just starting to doze off when the bedroom door flies open, hits the wall, my cat runs full speed across me, hits the window and starts going batshit crazy behind the curtains. I’m trying to untangle her in the curtains while making sure she doesn’t fall through the screen. She’s hissing at me, teeth showing and all I’m thinking is, “What the eff is going on with her?” Apparently there was a cat outside that she wanted to eat. It was 5:36 am.

At this point I figured I was awake and might as well get my day started. So I go to take the dog out and he won’t go to the bathroom. I’m standing in the backyard in a t-shirt and underwear begging him to please do his business because it’s cold. He’s walking around eating plants. I give up and leave him out there.

I walk to the bathroom, turn on the shower and step in. I immediately fly out of the shower sideways because the water is FREEZING. I turn on more hot water. Nothing happens. I turn off the shower, call Mike and ask if he had hot water this morning. He says yes. He then tries to give me directions on how to check our hot water heater settings. I’m pretty sure his directions were in French. I give up and tell him I’ll just take a cold shower. Have you ever taken a cold shower? This is not a cool shower, this is an arching my back, didn’t rinse all the shampoo out of my hair, screw conditioner, only wash the important body parts, cold shower. I got a brain freeze from the shower.

After getting out of the shower I wrapped myself in a parka, scarf, socks & slippers to try to return my body temperature to normal. I went to go wake up Ava and I crawled into her bed, only to be welcomed by a big wet spot…of pee. My daughter has wet the bed once since she’s been out of diapers. Once in three years! She has a cold and I gave her benadryl last night before bed…apparently benadryl makes kids dream they are on the toilet. I get her up and I tell her she wet the bed and she tells me, “Mom, I don’t think so. I went to bed and had wet legs last night after my bath and that’s why the bed is wet.” I tell her, “I’m pretty sure that funny smell is pee.” And she says, “Oh Mom. I think you’re right. I’m sorry I had an accident.” I tell her it’s okay. I strip all the sheets and duvet cover off her bed and go throw them in the washer.

I call Mike and ask him if he can throw her sheets in the dryer when he gets home today and there’s this long pause on the other end of the phone. I ask, “Mike, is there a problem with you putting the sheets in the dryer?” He says, “No. It’s not that. I just don’t want her to go to school smelling like the ‘pissy kid’ and we have no hot water.” You guys…looking back…I should have burst into laughter because if you know Mike, this is such a typical response. Out of all the things to worry about, namely our expensive, tankless hot water heater not working, the fact that he’s worried about Ava smelling pissy is hilarious. So after promising to wipe her down with a wash cloth and baby wipes I get off the phone with him.

I get in the car and am seriously worried about driving to work. The way my morning is going I just have that “What’s next?” feeling. I get in the car and my phone won’t connect to the bluetooth. After dropping Ava off I run back home to get my headphones. As I’m pulling into the driveway my phone connects (finally). I just started crying. I was having such a frustrating morning and I was now in a seriously BAD mood. I pick up the phone to call Heather and she doesn’t answer. I try calling Casie, she doesn’t answer. More bad morning luck. I get on the freeway and as I’m pulling on two cars in the left lane and one car in the right lane all decide MY lane is the one they need to be in. Thankfully there was no accident but I was really thinking, “Boy howdy this would just cap off the morning, wouldn’t it?”

Heather was the first to call back and I knew she was really busy and I knew she probably couldn’t talk long but after hearing me relay my frustrating morning girlfriend stayed on the phone with me until I got to work and my bad mood was forgotten by the time I got there. And Casie called back too but I was mid-conversation with Heather…but I know she would have lifted my spirits up too. I’m so thankful for my girlfriends who listen to me bitch…girlfriends are like boo-boo kisses and band-aids for grown-ups. They make everything all better.

P.S. I still think horoscopes are bullshit.