Channeling the Old Navy Commercials

The other night we had to stop by Del Amo Motorsports so I could get Ava a helmet and sign some papers. I was waiting to meet with a lady there and was talking to another lady. Ava was behind me and every few seconds I turned around to make sure she was there and not causing trouble. I hear her little voice say, “Mom, will you take a picture of me and my friend?”

So I turn around and this is what I see:

 So I start cracking up because she’s totally waiting and expectant. Can you see how happy she is? So I take the picture. Immediately send it to my Dad and Mike. My dad says she’s part of the new Old Navy commercials. If you don’t know what I’m talking about go here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xKxcEj6abD4

Next thing I do is call Mike since he didn’t respond. He didn’t get the picture and asks what it was. Here’s the conversation:

Me: It was a picture of Ava holding hands with a mannequin.
Him: What? Why was she holding hands with a mannequin?
Me: It was her friend! (giggles)
Ava: Mom, what’s a mannequin?
Me: It’s a person who’s not real.
Ava: She wasn’t real??? (Heartbroken)

And can we talk about this mannequin for a second? I mean really with the boobs? They have these crazy mannequins in downtown LA too…except the ones down there have giant butts instead of giant boobs.

Should I be concerned that my daughter is friends with a mannequin?

Everybody Toots: Part 1

I cannot promise the laughter of yesterday or the same level of ickiness. But I can assure you that by the end of this post, my husband will be embarrassed. Sorry babe.

Day Two of parent/teacher conferences I show up to the school right around 4pm. Today it’s just Tricia (Amanda’s mom) who was there to witness what happened. Thankfully Tricia also has an almost 4 yo little girl, Amanda, and gets that kids say, well, whatever is on their mind. So we’re standing there chatting and Ava farts.

On a side note…when your kid farts in public, which is often, it’s embarrassing. I know it’s a normal bodily function but still they don’t do the silent ones…they are loud and command attention. So she farts and starts laughing hysterically and says, “I farted!”

Me: Ava, what do you say?
Ava: Excuse me.
Me: Thank you.
Ava: (to Tricia) My daddy likes to fart. He farts alot. He farts in my bed!
Me: Ummm….well, he doesn’t really fart in your bed Ava. He just says it when you’re taking too long to get into bed so you’ll hurry up.
Amanda: My daddy likes to fart too!

Thankfully at this point Tricia is laughing. I’m embarrassed…what kind of parents tell their kid they are going to fart in their bed if they don’t hurry up and get into it? So now, not only does my kid play with her poop, invite friends to play with her poop, but she also has parents who threaten to fart in her bed as a motivation. If anyone is giving out parent of the year awards, I’ll be the mom who’s hiding her face in her hands giggling…because….well…frankly…in our house the majority rules that farting is funny.

(And for all you gasping about it being funny…it is…but it’s also something we try to teach her she should excuse herself for…we do believe in manners most days)

Everybody Poops: Part 2

Last Thursday and Friday were parent/teacher conferences at Ava’s school. This means the school closes at 4pm on both days. Since Mike was on jury duty I was on pickup duty. Thursday afternoon I show up to her school at 3:55. I walk in the class and Ava is in the restroom. So I wait…all the other parents are waiting too. And I wait some more. Finally I ask her teacher, is she going #2? The teacher says she is and that she’s been in there awhile. Shortly after that I hear some giggles coming from the bathroom. I should note that there are 2 toilets in restroom but no individual stalls. The giggles were cause for concern. I peek in the restroom and see Ava and Myoko washing their hands and laughing hysterically. So…..

Me: What’s so funny girls?
Ava: We were playing with my poop! (giggles uncontrollably from both girls)
Me: Huh? What do you mean you were playing with your poop?
Ava: It was floating in the potty so we picked it up and it broke in half. (more uncontrollable giggles)
Me: Ava, please tell me you aren’t serious!!!! Please tell me you’re joking. What did you do???? (frantically)
Ava: I took half of it and she took half of it and we squished it between our fingers! (more uncontrollable giggles)
Me: Oh my God. Oh my God! OH MY GOD!

I grab her teacher and tell her what happened as all the other parents look on. They are kind of laughing. I’m just really grossed out. We scrub both girls hands, change their shirts (just in case), pour some more hand sanitizer on their hands…wash them again. I’m mortified at this point. This is just awesome. I’m sure the other parents will forever describe me as the mom of the kid who plays with her own shit. I really wish this story ended there.

So we’re walking out the door and Ava is still laughing so hard. I’m telling her it’s not funny…that playing with poop is gross. And then…the bomb:  

Ava: And then we ate it Mom! (fit of giggles)
Me: YOU WHAT?????? Please tell me you’re lying!!!!!
Ava: What’s lying?
Me: AVA….DID YOU REALLY EAT YOUR POOP???? (shocked I’m even asking this question)
Ava: Yes!!!!
Me: OMG…OMG….OMG…what do I do? OMG.

So I call the one person who will find this hilarious…Auntie Heather. And I’m right…now she’s on the phone in a fit of giggles. I tell her, “SHE ATE HER POOP!!! Is that even safe? Should I take her to the ER?” Ava’s in the backseat hysterically laughing…Heather is on the other end of the phone hysterically laughing….then I’m hysterically laughing. Heather says, “Ask her what it tasted like.” At first I’m like, “Huh…why would I do that?” And then it hits me…duh…because she’s probably lying.

Me: Ava, what did your poop taste like (I cannot believe I have asked my child this question)
Ava: It tasted like chocolate!

Whew! She finally admitted that she didn’t eat it. But man…I was dying you guys. What the hell? Has anyone else’s kid ever purposely played with their own poop? I’m a little mortified.

Tomorrow I will give you the story of how pickup went on Friday. My child…I just don’t know about that kid sometimes.

Conversations With Ava: Part 3,972

Conversation #1 – I’m on the phone
Me: That is so stupid!
Ava: Oh Mom…you said a bad word.
Me: I know. I’m sorry. Mommy shouldn’t have said that word.
Ava: It’s okay Mom. Santa’s in the North Pole, he didn’t hear you.

Conversation #2 – Practicing baseball with Ava. She keeps missing the ball.
Me: Ava, you need to try to keep your eye on the ball honey.
(She swings and misses a few more times and then…)
Ava: You need to try to keep your eye on the bat mommy.

Conversation #3 – Bathtime
Ava: Mom, will you get in the bath with me.
Me: I don’t really feel like taking a bath.
Ava: But it’s nice and cozy in here momma.
Me: Okay…fine. (I get into the bath)
Ava: Don’t worry, I just peed in my spot mom, not in your spot, okay?

You don’t say?

Sometimes my conversations with Ava just make me giggle. Having an almost 4-year-old around will do that. So I’ve decided to share a few with you.

RANDOM CONVERSATION #1
Ava: Mom, I want to drive myself to school tomorrow.
Me: Ava, you can’t drive yourself to school tomorrow? Your legs aren’t long enought to reach the pedals.
Ava: Yes they are. Look. (Extending her legs out as far as she can)
Me: I don’t think they are long enough. Plus you don’t know how to get there.
Ava: Yes I do. Left and then right and then left.
Me: No honey. When you get older you can drive to school.
Ava: Mom, I wish you would trust me on this.

RANDOM CONVERSATION #2
Ava: Mom, look at that police man. What is he doing?
Me: There was a car accident. See how that car is smashed?
Ava: Yes. Don’t worry the police officer will handle the situation. Right, mom?
Me: Yes…that’s right.
Ava: And if we don’t listen to our parents then he will come and haul us away to jail. Right, mom?
Me: Definitely.

RANDOM CONVERSATION #3
Me: Crap.
Ava: Ohhhhhhh mommy…that’s a naughty word!
Me: I know. Sorry. There’s a fly in the car! Do you see it? (At which point I hear…)
Ava singing:
Shoo, fly, don’t bother me
Shoo, fly, don’t bother me
Shoo, fly, don’t bother me
For I belong to somebody

Me: (giggling)
Ava: Did it work mom? Is it gone?
Me: Nope. I still see it.

At which point she starts singing it again. I must admit, I just wanted to hear her sing it again.

This Post is Not For Everyone

So I did this poll asking if it was was okay if I wrote about tampons. And by did a poll, I mean I asked three people who frequently put it all out there for the world to read. But who cares…they said I can write about tampons as long as I give a disclaimer. And Mike said I could write about it too, and he’s pretty modest about me sharing info on here. So there it is and here we go:

If you cannot handle reading about tampons, stories about periods, vaginas or questions kids ask about those things…STOP READING. Dad – This is specifically directed to you.

Okay, if you’re still here I don’t want to catch any crap for this story being TMI. It totally is. But I have to share the story…it’s too funny not to.

So I’m in the shower this morning and Ava wakes up and comes stumbling in. She says, “Mommy, I want you to come snuggle wit me.” I tell her I have to finish showering but as soon as I’m done I’ll snuggle. She sits down on the bathroom floor and waits. I get out of the shower, she takes one look at me and this is what happens:

Ava: Mom, what is that string hanging out of your bagina? (yes, that’s how she says it)
Me: It’s a tampon string.
Ava: What’s a tampon?
Me: It’s something women use when they have their period.
Ava: What’s a period?
Me: Well, ummm, it’s something women get that makes their back hurt, their tummy hurt and makes them cranky.
Ava: Mom, are you hurt?
Me: No honey…I’m okay right now.
Ava: I’m cranky. Do I have a period?
Me: No Ava. Let’s go snuggle.

So…if that wasn’t awkward enough, there’s more. I mean really. How do you explain a period and a tampon to an almost 4 year old in terms she can understand? So I put my robe on and get ready to go snuggle with her. I should mention I went to the gym and did legs the other day and I am still so sore. So I go to get in her bed and I say, “Ouch, my legs hurt!” She looks at me so seriously and says…are you ready…

“Mom, I think you need to take that tampon out of your bagina. It’s making everything hurt!”

P.S. I knew you’d read it anyway Dad.

Why Starbucks Matters

We are moving tomorrow. You think I would be concerned about Ava adjusting to a new house…I’m not. What is bothering me this morning is I’m worried about our new Starbucks. You see, our first Starbucks in El Segundo there was DJ and Diane, or Di-Wan, as Ava called her. They were baristas who were very much a part of Ava’s first two years. They watched her go from being a tiny, squishy baby to being a toddler. There were the customers at that Starbucks who watched as well. There were three older ladies who were there every morning that just adored Ava and Ava adored them. We called them “The Ladies”. Holidays would roll around and The Ladies would bring in little presents for Ava and show her pictures of their grandchildren. It was a sad day in Starbucks when we moved. We missed them and they missed us.

We found a new Starbucks and it took awhile but we found a new Starbucks family. There was a wonderful barista named Cathy. She took to Ava quickly because she had a granddaughter the same age. Again, Ava made friends with regular customers and the holidays rolled around and there were gifts galore. I’m telling you…this little girl can just capture people’s hearts. So on Wednesday we went in to say bye to Cathy. On the way to Starbucks Ava started crying because she doesn’t want to say goodbye and she’s going to miss Cathy so much. Her words, not mine. And I know it seems silly. You’re probably thinking, “Just take her back to visit.” And I will, but it’s still sad. This woman has been a person she sees daily for almost 2 years…she’s really gonna miss her you guys. No joke.

Not to mention there are lots of memories there….she provided alot of material for this blog on our daily visits. There were the numerous incidents with Weeman. There was the time I had to call and reserve her blueberry muffin in order to avoid a meltdown. There was the big announcement she made there and embarrassed the hell out of me. Then the time she accused a man of going after her hiney…embarrassment again. Oh and the guy she totally tried to pick up there. Lots of funny things happened at Starbucks and it really feels like we’re starting a new school.

I’ve scoped out our new Starbucks but I’m worried. Will they love Ava as much as our other baristas do, or will she simply be another kid who comes into Starbucks with her mom? Because at our previous Starbucks, she’s achieved celebrity status…everyone knows Ava and everyone who knows her, loves her. Here’s to hoping for a smooth transition…

Definitely Not How The Song Ends…

I shot this video the day I got my iPhone 4. Ava was singing “California Girls” by Katy Perry while helping me cook dinner. She was so cute standing there singing so I grabbed the camera and started rolling. I asked her to sing it again but we got a surprise ending. You have to watch this…I promise it’s funny.

Na-Na-Na-What????

So Ava is learning phonics in preschool right now. Every word, and I do mean every word, begins with her sounding out the first letter and then trying to guess the letter the word starts with. She follows me around going, “Ca-Ca-Ca-Ca-Cat” Does cat start with a C mama?” To which I say, “Very good Ava. Cat does start with a C.” This game is not getting old…no.

She keeps the game interesting. This morning I’m getting ready for work. She’s laying in bed watching cartoons and I’m getting dressed. Standing there, nude, except for my underwear she looks over and says, “Mom, your boobs are getting bigger.” God bless her. She’s fascinated with boobs right now and I’m just hoping she doesn’t remain fascinated with them forever. I say, “Thanks Ava.” Because really what am I supposed to say to that? I suppose it’s better than the day she told me I had a big, fat butt and jiggled it with her hands.

So back to the story. I walk over to the closet to pick out a shirt because I can’t decide on a bra until I decide on a shirt. I hear, “Na-Na-Na-Na-Nipples. Does nipples start with an N mama?” Only my child, “Very good Ava. Nipples start with an N.”

I See A Future…

Bet you people are thinking this is going to be an inspirational post…nope. Not even close. I DO have something I want to tell all you lovelies about but I can’t. Yet. Because I’m superstitious and think it’s best to wait. Now all of you are thinking I’m pregant. I’m not. I promise.

Okay, so we’ve had some sleep issues with Ava. I wouldn’t even call them issues. She’s been sneaking into our bed around 2 am every night. And I do love it. It’s nice to wake up to her sweet little face. What I don’t love is being kicked to hell and back between 2 and 6am. She’s killing me and Mike. So we decide no more sneaking in. We explain it to her and her first response to me is, “That’s really not fair mom. You get to sleep with Daddy EVERY night and I have to sleep ALL BY MYSELF!” She’s got a point. But that’s besides the point.

So I try my next plan and this is how the conversation goes:

Me: Okay. If you quit sneaking into our room at night, I’ll tell Santa how good your being and maybe he’ll bring you a scooter for Christmas.
Ava: How far away is Christmas?
Me: 6 months
Ava: Hmmmm. Well, how about a scooter AND a pogo stick? (don’t know why she wants a pogo stick or where she saw one)
Me: How about just a scooter and I tell Santa to bring it a little early?
Ava: Done.

That’s right folks, not only did I bribe my child but she negotiated the terms of the bribery. Was this effective? She has been in her bed, all night, for 5 straight nights!!! I’m a freaking genious! I’ve created my “bribe list” below for future reference.

Bribe List

1. Disney Princess Scooter
2. Slip ‘n’ slide
3. Bicycle with training wheels
4. Sandbox
5. Her own tv
6. New clothes
7. Free color with markers day (because I’m a neat freak and won’t let her have them)
8. Play-do playtime (again with the neat freak thing)
9. A real bed (she has a toddler bed now)

Am I a bad parent if I give her a new bed and then hold out on the sheets and use them as a bribe too?