Archive | March, 2010

Don’t Have the Heart

31 Mar

So I get home from work and Ava informs me that the plants outside just aren’t growing!!! She seems a little concerned and asks if we can water them. I tell her, “Of course we can water them honey. It will help them grow.” Bet you’re thinking, “How sweet!!!” And really it would be, except that the plants are dead…I killed them all. Not on purpose of course but it’s alot of work keeping plants alive. Really…I’m still trying to figure out how I can keep a kid alive for 3 years but can’t manage 5 flower pots on the patio.

So we fill up the watering can and go outside to water pots with dirt in them. That’s right, California is having a drought and I allow my child to water pots of dirt because I don’t have the heart to tell her the plants are never coming back. That they’re dead and it’s my fault because I was too lazy to go outside and water them everyday. Actually, I think it’s my patio’s fault. It gets really hot and I think I didn’t just pick the right flowers for Death Valley-like conditions because, in truth, my aloe plant is still alive and kicking!

Death By Bacon

30 Mar

My friend Jenny turned me on to this blog called The Blogess. The Blogess is really funny and she has an advice column, which cracks me up. Today I read this on her site:

Dear Bloggess: Yesterday, I met the world’s fattest cat. Like, my cat is pretty damn fat, and this cat made my cat look bulamerxic. (A mix of anorexic and bulimic.) Anyway, the owner is my boyfriend’s dad’s girlfriend and she is insane. She was feeding this cat bacon. BACON. How do I save this poor unfortunate feline? ~ CatActivist123

I appreciate your initiative but no one wants to be saved from bacon. Even cats. In fact, I would suspect that most cats would prefer death-by-bacon over death-by-being-hit-by-a-car or death-by-euthanasia-because-I-wouldn’t-stop-peeing-on-the-couch. In fact, death-by-bacon sounds like an awesome way to go. Now I’m craving a bacon sandwich. Except the bread would be made of bacon. And the mayonnaise is mixed with bacon bits. And it’s wrapped up in a napkin. Made of bacon. Mmmmm…bacon.

She pretty much sums up how I feel about bacon. I could totally become a vegetarian if it wasn’t for my love affair with bacon.

And the Fun Begins

29 Mar

I was a sleepwalker/sleeptalker growing up. I’ve been known to join my parents in the living room hours after I’d gone to bed and watch tv with them…awake on the outside, asleep on the inside. If you’ve never experienced someone who sleepwalks, it’s a a bizarre thing because the person seems totally awake and will also be able to hold a conversation with you. It’s quite disturbing. When I was about 10 years old we lived in a 2 story house. My bedroom was downstairs, as was our family room. My mom was in the family room and hears the sliding glass door upstairs open and then close. She goes up to investigate and finds me screaming at the edge of the pool. I’d woken up at the edge and was so confused by where I was and scared. There’s nothing like not knowing how the hell you got somewhere. My parents dealt with this for years.

Then I met Mike…poor Mike. I forgot to warn him about my crazy sleep twin. Honestly…I’ve been known to send emails in my sleep that make absolutely no sense. So anyway…here’s Mike, we’ve been dating for a few months. He’s asleep and wakes up to me sitting up in bed very obviously looking for something and asks me what I’m doing. I respond with “Shhhhhhhh! They don’t think I can hear them but I can.” Okay people…I’m still not sure that if the situation were reversed that I wouldn’t have run for the hills on that one. Seriously…that would have scared me. But he stayed and after nine years together he has a little fun with it. He’ll ask me questions when I start talking in my sleep. My favorite thing is when I get out of bed and start running and he says, “Honey, where are you going?” And I’m confused because I’m sure my sleep self had somewhere in mind but my awake self has no idea. And then I get kind of pissed because I’m thinking, “He totally ruined my destination and I can’t even remember where I was going and now I’ll never know.” I do love that he asks me where I’m going though. Really, where would I be going at 3 am?

So last night, I hear Ava through the baby monitor. And then I hear her door open and she’s running down the hall yelling, “I can’t find my fishing pole! I need to find my fishing pole!” And I’m not sure I’m hearing her right, so I say, “A fishing pole?” And she says, “I can’t find it mom.” Poor Mike…now he’s living with two crazy ladies!

We Have an Enabler Among Us…

26 Mar

Every now and then Ava will wake up in the middle of the night. I don’t hear her call out since the monitor is on Mike’s side of the bed and I’ve got bad hearing on top of it. So he’s usually out of bed and to her without my ever even waking up. On these occasions, I’ll wake up halfway through the night to her little nose snoring right in my ear and her body completely glued to me. In the morning I’ll ask Mike, “How did she end up in here?” He says, “She cried out in the middle of the night so I go in to check on her and when I open the door she bolts down the hall to our room and asks for a quick snuggle.” All together now “AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!”

And I agree for the most part. She’s such a little snuggle bug. But remember when you first start dating someone and you’re totally fine with your arm falling asleep because you’re just SOOOOOO in love and just want to cuddle? But then after a while, you take your respective places in the bed and the cuddling is reserved for awake hours or just before sleep hours? Maybe that’s just me. I don’t know. Anyway…it’s kind of like that with Ava. Mike lets her come in the bed and she’s not a “snuggle me mommy” kind of kid. She’s going to snuggle me! She’s a “wrap my arms around mommy’s neck, interlace my fingers into mommy’s hair tightly, put mommy’s face in my neck, throw a leg over mommy” kind of snuggler. Did I mention she snores? It’s completely impossible for me to sleep while she’s in bed with me. And what about Mike, you ask? Well, Mike just LOVES it when she sleeps with us and says it’s SOOOOOOO sweet. You guessed it people. She doesn’t snuggle him!!! So he sleeps while I’m on the other side of the bed fighting off a leech…an EXTREMELY cute leech, but an impossible to sleep with leech!

I was going somewhere with this story. So she weasles her way into bed the other night and Mommy got smart. I saw her coming down the hall and I grabbed a body pillow and blocked her off from my side of the bed. Well, since she couldn’t get to me, she had no choice but to snuggle Mike!!!! The next morning he complained how he got no sleep and that she snores and that she talks in her sleep. Hahahaha! Victory!

The 2010 Census – Fill it out

25 Mar

We just got our 2010 Census form in the mail. Mike filled it out and I dropped it in the mail here at work. A co-worker said to me, “I can’t believe you fill that out. It’s the government’s way of big brothering you.” I’m sorry but that’s just ignorant. We are talking about the same government that has our social security number right? The social security number that tracks everything from your race, gender, birthdate, home loans, personal loans, auto loans, student loans, credit card history, financial history, job history, all previous addresses, marriage history, etc. I could keep going. I found this completely absurd, but mostly just ignorant.

I really encourage all of you to fill out that census form and here’s why:


The once-a-decade POPULATION count will determine how nearly $450 billion a year in federal assistance will be divvied up for everything from transportation and street improvement projects to education grants and homeless services.

In 2000, half a million Californians did not complete the census form. That cost the state more than $15 billion over the decade, money that could have come in handy in say, oh I don’t know, a budget crisis. Not that we have that problem, right?

Now for those of you who don’t fill it out, I’d like to personally thank you in advance for wasting MY tax dollars. Because here’s what happens when you don’t fill out that form. Our government pays to send out census workers to go door to door to collect the information.

Below are the questions that are asked on the census form and I’m baffled that THIS is so hard for half a million Californians to complete and that the concern is that the government is trying to big brother us. People…we have the CIA and FBI, if they really wanted to big brother you, it would be done without you knowing. Come on now.

Questions on the form:

How many people were living or staying in this house, apartment, or mobile home on April 1, 2010?

Were there any additional people staying here April 1, 2010 that you did not include in Question 1?

Is this house, apartment, or mobile home: owned with mortgage, owned without mortgage, rented, occupied without rent?

What is your telephone number?

Please provide information for each person living here. Start with a person here who owns or rents this house, apartment, or mobile home. If the owner or renter lives somewhere else, start with any adult living here. This will be Person 1. What is Person 1’s name?

What is Person 1’s sex?

What is Person 1’s age and Date of Birth?

Is Person 1 of Hispanic, Latino or Spanish origin?

What is Person 1’s race?

Little White Lies

24 Mar

Has anyone else experienced little white lines in their fingernails? I’d like to enter Exhibit A into evidence.


Now when I was a little kid, my parents told me that for every white line I had in my fingernail it meant that I had told a lie. Do you know how much information my parents got me to confess with this trick? Seriously…they would look at my hands and say, “Okay…I see four lines Janice. What have you been lying about?” And don’t you know I would tell them anything I lied about and if I couldn’t come up with four lies I had told I’d make something up!!! How crazy is this? My parents LIED to me to get me to tell them what I had lied about. You still following?

Well, parents, I’d like to let you know you should be ashamed of yourselves. All my life I had a condition known as Leukonychia Punctata. Go ahead Dad…look it up. I’ll wait.

Who? What? When? Where? Why? How?

22 Mar

Everything, and I mean everything, is a question with Ava right now. And the sad part is, she stumps me. We’re driving in the car the other day, Friday rush hour on the 405 and this is how the conversation goes:

Ava: Mommy, where are we going?
Me: To the doctor.
Ava: Where’s the doctor?
Me: In Torrance.
Ava: What’s a Torrance.
Me: Torrance is a city.
Ava: What’s a city?
Me: Crap…how do I explain city? It’s just something that you’ll learn when you get older honey.

You all are probably shaking your head…why not just define city for her, right? Well, because how do you define it? I could just answer her and say it’s a place where people live, but I want her to be smarter than I am. So I’m embarassed to admit that I went to the trusty Merriam Webster dictionary to get the worded definition and a city is defined as “an inhabited place of greater size, population, or importance than a town or village.” I wanted to tell her the definition, I REALLY did. But here’s how that conversation would go:

Me (proudly): Ava, a city is an inhabited place of greater size, population, or importance than a town or village.
Ava: What’s inhabited mean?
Ava: What’s a population?
Ava: What’s importance?
Ava: What’s a a town?
Ava: What’s a village?

And this is why I’ve decided I’m okay with her being only as smart as I am. I’ll give the kid the internet and a dictionary in a few years and let her learn the “hard” way!