A blogger I read alot, Heir to Blair, recently posted up an article from Parenting.com. The article is usually the type I avoid because it’s just too heartbreaking to read. To sum it up in the most unemotional way possible, a mother forgets her child is in the car, temperature rises and the child dies. Horribly, horribly heartbreaking and tragic. Almost everyone who reads it would probably feel remorse. But I would also bet there’s alot of, “I would never do that! How do you forget your child?”
Or the other blogger I came across who’s wife lost her child in the womb. The woman had to go to an abortion clinic to have the procedure done to remove the child. How heartbrearking. I couldn’t imagine. But the truly horrifying part was the video he posted of protesters screaming at his wife. Telling her she was murdering her child. Can you imagine? Can you even imagine…dealing with losing your child and then to be screamed at on your way in to an appointment like that? I often wonder if those protesters had known…if they had known that her child was already gone, would they have treated her with compassion or even a little respect? Because THAT is a very different situation. But we assume that everyone who walks into a clinic is making a choice to abort their child. What if that choice was already made for them?
And how easy it is, right? To be so quick to judge based on what we think we know. Based on making a situation black and white without shades of gray. Based on ignorance. I thought alot about this last night as I was trying to sleep. Not so much about the young boy who died (because my heart can only handle thinking about it for about 10 seconds), but his mother and the guilt she must live with. To fully appreciate the other side of the story I recommend reading the article. But it got me thinking about snap judgments and superiority and what in the world makes most of us think, “Not me…” Because really, we say we would never make a mistake like that. More importantly we jump up on our soapbox and proclaim to everyone how WE would handle it so much differently. From an angle that isn’t tainted by emotion.
And while the stories above evoke a very strong emotional response, I’ve seen things I’ve done in my life. Judgements I was quick to make. I wrote about it once here. I try so hard now to approach with compassion instead of judgement. I try to start with, “What if it were me?” instead of “I would never…”
“I will never let my children sleep in my bed. Just sets a precedent that is so hard to break.”
This was long before I had a child. This was me being superior. I was going to be a strong parent. I wouldn’t give in. This was before I realized that when Ava is sick, sometimes she needs to be with me. And sometimes I need her to be with me. There is a part of me that is certain I will wake if her fever starts getting too high. There’s also the nights when she has bad dreams and I remember being that young and being scared. So while I rarely let her fall asleep in my bed, she does end up in my bed more often than I said I would allow, which was NEVER if you knew me 5 years ago.
“I will never become the wife who goes out in sweats! Never, ever, ever!”
Here is my reality. My Saturday mornings begin at 6am. I have a 3 hour window to make the grocery list, start laundry, get Ava up, feed her breakfast, get to the grocery store with her before I’m pulling my hair out because it’s too crowded, get home and put everything away and then turn around to get Ava to ballet by 10am. So yes. I grocery shop in sweatpants. Most Saturdays mornings I attempt mascara and lipgloss. That should count for something.
“I will never give into whining. Hell, I will never give in. I will win every battle. I am the parent.”
Ahem…I am the parent…also a smart one. Three words: Pick. Your. Battles.
“My child will be made to sit still in the restaurant. She will do so without throwing a tantrum and I will never bribe her with dessert.”
She’s great at restuarants and she sits still MOST of the time. That has gotten better with age. But I’ve come to realize that while I will never let her run wild in a restaurant, I also can’t glue her behind to the seat. She’s still more fidgety than I’d like at times but that’s nothing a little ice cream can’t fix. 🙂
My “I Never’s” seem really trivial… and they are in comparison. I guess my point is that it is so easy to detach yourself from a situation when there’s no emotion involved. But if you stop and really try on another person’s shoes, you just might find that they don’t fit so differently. We really aren’t that different. We are humans who are extremely capable of mistakes. So the next time you are quick to rip someone apart for what they have done, challenge yourself to see beyond what you think you know.
Lights. Camera. Life. 