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I’m Going to Karate Chop Someone

28 Oct

Normally I try to be all Zen-like toward people. Today is not a normal day. I gave up meat. Shut it…I don’t judge you for eating it, don’t judge me for not eating it. I just don’t like it that much. Except bacon. But bacon is not a meat. It’s so awesome it’s like it’s own planet.

So, this week I stop at the store and buy carrots and hummus because let’s be honest, if I’m giving up beef jerky I have to have some sort of snack. On Monday I put it in the fridge at work with my name on it in black permanent marker. I was out of the office on Wednesday. When I came back I had five carrots left. FIVE!!! Clearly I wasn’t even in the office to eat them and I would kind of remember eating a WHOLE BAG OF CARROTS (minus the five leftover for me). So I was kind of pissed, but thought, “Maybe someone just didn’t see my name on the bag. It happens.”

This morning I go to get my last five carrots, a few crackers and some hummus and this time…SOMEBODY ATE MY DAMN HUMMUS!!!! This is no mistake. I am being targeted for my food. I know it…I can feel it in my bones. So, I’ve come up with some ideas for handling this:

  1. Leave a note that says, “You’re an asshole. Love, Janice”
  2. Leave a note that says, “You owe me $7.82”
  3. Leave a note that says, “Hope you enjoyed my carrots and hummus. P.S. I double-dip like a mo-fo”
  4. Leave a note that says, “P.P.S. My daughter has the croup and I let her lick all the carrots.”
  5. Hide in the fridge and when they open it explode out and yell, “Caught ya sucker!”
  6. Put some eye drops in the hummus and see who spends the most time in the restroom next week.

Or I could just do this:

If It Weren’t for Bacon…

10 Jun

If it weren’t for bacon, I would be a few things. Namely, a hell of alot thinner than I am. Yesterday we had catered lunches here at work and the most fantastic cobb salad with gobbs of bacon in it. If you haven’t figured it out yet…I have a thing for bacon, which I’ve talked about here. I’m ashamed to admit how many pieces I pulled out of the salad…it’s atrocious.

Also, if it weren’t for bacon I’d be a vegetarian. 100%. Not because I’m an animal rights activist, although I believe in animal rights. I’d be a vegetarian because I really just don’t like meat. I don’t. If I’m eating meat and I start thinking it about having been a living thing at one point, I literally can’t swallow another bite. There is a part of my brain that says, “You are eating something else’s flesh…spit it out. Now.” My brain doesn’t work that way with bacon…I guess it’s cool if I’m just eating something else’s fat. It’ all like, “Mmmm fat…we’re totally diggin this!”

Now I’m not some new age, tree-hugging hippie that eats organic and sits in drum circles…that will never be me. Although I’m cool with people who are. However, I’m now addicted to tofu. For.Real. I love it…can’t get enought of it. I’ll admit the first few times I had it, I wasn’t so sure about it. The texture was off but then my brain was like, “Awesome…we’re not eating flesh. Continue!” And truly I started eating tofu because there’s not a whole lot of choices when you don’t eat meat and I can’t eat pasta for every meal. Wow…I can’t believe I just said that…I love pasta. But I needed protein and thought I’d give it a shot.

And I know…you’re all thinking, “TOFU!!! YUCK!!!” I think Mike was totally thinking that too, but when I cook dinner, you get what I make. I grew up in a house where there was only one dinner made and if you were hungry enough, you ate it. If not…tough shit…you went to bed hungry. So now that I’ve forced tofu on Mike, he’s actually diggin it too, which I’m completely shocked by. Anyway…I wanted to share my super yummy recipe I made last night in case any of you decide to give it a whirl. I know…I know…good luck, right? 296 calories per serving…does that help?

Chili-Glazed Tofu over Asparagus and Rice

4 cups water
1 (3 1/2-ounce) bag boil-in-bag long-grain rice
2 1/4 cups chopped asparagus (about 1 pound)
1 tablespoon peanut oil
1 tablespoon sugar
2 tablespoons rice vinegar
2 tablespoons low-sodium soy sauce
1 teaspoon bottled minced ginger
1 teaspoon hot chili sauce with garlic (such as KA·ME)
1 pound extrafirm tofu, drained and cut lengthwise into 9 pieces
1 teaspoon salt, divided
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
3/4 cup preshredded carrot
1 teaspoon dark sesame oil


Bring 4 cups water to a boil in a 2-quart saucepan. Add bag of rice, submerging bag completely in water. Boil 10 minutes. Carefully remove bag from pan, leaving boiling water in pan. Add asparagus to pan; cook 1 minute. Drain.
While rice cooks, heat peanut oil in a large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. Combine sugar, vinegar, soy sauce, ginger, and chili sauce in a small bowl. Sprinkle tofu with 1/2 teaspoon salt and pepper. Add tofu to pan; cook 3 minutes on each side or until browned. Add soy sauce mixture; cook 20 seconds, stirring constantly. Remove from heat. Combine rice, asparagus, 1/2 teaspoon salt, carrot, and sesame oil. Serve tofu over rice.
Nutritional Information
Calories:296 (26% from fat)
Fat:8.4g (sat 1.1g,mono 2.8g,poly 2.3g)


20 Apr

I love bacon…no really…I don’t think you understand. I. LOVE. BACON. I absolutely cannot cook bacon in the house because there is no way I can not eat every piece I cook and this usually means I eat so much (some might say a pound, but why bother counting) that I can actually feel my blood pressure go up. I’m not kidding. I love bacon so much that my dad tells me on Sunday, “I have a present for you.” I show up and he gives me two jars of bacon salt. Yep…you read that right, bacon salt. It was fantastic on my salad. And the best part is it’s low sodium. I don’t know how they do it folks but man, it’s awesome. And I thought it was the best invention ever until I got this picture in my email this morning. That should give you an idea of how much I love bacon. When friends email you bacon things perhaps it means you have a problem…I dunno. But this picture really throws me for a loop. I’m not sure which is better, the bacon salt or the bacon pancakes. Perhaps, I will make this and then put some bacon salt on it. Either way, I know what’s for breakfast Saturday morning…

Death By Bacon

30 Mar

My friend Jenny turned me on to this blog called The Blogess. The Blogess is really funny and she has an advice column, which cracks me up. Today I read this on her site:

Dear Bloggess: Yesterday, I met the world’s fattest cat. Like, my cat is pretty damn fat, and this cat made my cat look bulamerxic. (A mix of anorexic and bulimic.) Anyway, the owner is my boyfriend’s dad’s girlfriend and she is insane. She was feeding this cat bacon. BACON. How do I save this poor unfortunate feline? ~ CatActivist123

I appreciate your initiative but no one wants to be saved from bacon. Even cats. In fact, I would suspect that most cats would prefer death-by-bacon over death-by-being-hit-by-a-car or death-by-euthanasia-because-I-wouldn’t-stop-peeing-on-the-couch. In fact, death-by-bacon sounds like an awesome way to go. Now I’m craving a bacon sandwich. Except the bread would be made of bacon. And the mayonnaise is mixed with bacon bits. And it’s wrapped up in a napkin. Made of bacon. Mmmmm…bacon.

She pretty much sums up how I feel about bacon. I could totally become a vegetarian if it wasn’t for my love affair with bacon.