I Would Never Forget My Child in the Car…Or Would I?

A blogger I read alot, Heir to Blair, recently posted up an article from Parenting.com. The article is usually the type I avoid because it’s just too heartbreaking to read. To sum it up in the most unemotional way possible, a mother forgets her child is in the car, temperature rises and the child dies. Horribly, horribly heartbreaking and tragic. Almost everyone who reads it would probably feel remorse. But I would also bet there’s alot of, “I would never do that! How do you forget your child?”

Or the other blogger I came across who’s wife lost her child in the womb. The woman had to go to an abortion clinic to have the procedure done to remove the child. How heartbrearking. I couldn’t imagine. But the truly horrifying part was the video he posted of protesters screaming at his wife. Telling her she was murdering her child. Can you imagine? Can you even imagine…dealing with losing your child and then to be screamed at on your way in to an appointment like that? I often wonder if those protesters had known…if they had known that her child was already gone, would they have treated her with compassion or even a little respect? Because THAT is a very different situation. But we assume that everyone who walks into a clinic is making a choice to abort their child. What if that choice was already made for them?

And how easy it is, right? To be so quick to judge based on what we think we know. Based on making a situation black and white without shades of gray. Based on ignorance. I thought alot about this last night as I was trying to sleep. Not so much about the young boy who died (because my heart can only handle thinking about it for about 10 seconds), but his mother and the guilt she must live with. To fully appreciate the other side of the story I recommend reading the article. But it got me thinking about snap judgments and superiority and what in the world makes most of us think, “Not me…” Because really, we say we would never make a mistake like that. More importantly we jump up on our soapbox and proclaim to everyone how WE would handle it so much differently. From an angle that isn’t tainted by emotion.

And while the stories above evoke a very strong emotional response, I’ve seen things I’ve done in my life. Judgements I was quick to make. I wrote about it once here. I try so hard now to approach with compassion instead of judgement. I try to start with, “What if it were me?” instead of “I would never…”

“I will never let my children sleep in my bed. Just sets a precedent that is so hard to break.”
This was long before I had a child. This was me being superior. I was going to be a strong parent. I wouldn’t give in. This was before I realized that when Ava is sick, sometimes she needs to be with me. And sometimes I need her to be with me. There is a part of me that is certain I will wake if her fever starts getting too high. There’s also the nights when she has bad dreams and  I remember being that young and being scared. So while I rarely let her fall asleep in my bed, she does end up in my bed more often than I said I would allow, which was NEVER if you knew me 5 years ago.

“I will never become the wife who goes out in sweats! Never, ever, ever!”
Here is my reality. My Saturday mornings begin at 6am. I have a 3 hour window to make the grocery list, start laundry, get Ava up, feed her breakfast, get to the grocery store with her before I’m pulling my hair out because it’s too crowded, get home and put everything away and then turn around to get Ava to ballet by 10am. So yes. I grocery shop in sweatpants. Most Saturdays mornings I attempt mascara and lipgloss. That should count for something.

“I will never give into whining. Hell, I will never give in. I will win every battle. I am the parent.”
Ahem…I am the parent…also a smart one. Three words: Pick. Your. Battles.

“My child will be made to sit still in the restaurant. She will do so without throwing a tantrum and I will never bribe her with dessert.”
She’s great at restuarants and she sits still MOST of the time. That has gotten better with age. But I’ve come to realize that while I will never let her run wild in a restaurant, I also can’t glue her behind to the seat. She’s still more fidgety than I’d like at times but that’s nothing a little ice cream can’t fix. 🙂

My “I Never’s” seem really trivial… and they are in comparison. I guess my point is that it is so easy to detach yourself from a situation when there’s no emotion involved. But if you stop and really try on another person’s shoes, you just might find that they don’t fit so differently. We really aren’t that different. We are humans who are extremely capable of mistakes. So the next time you are quick to rip someone apart for what they have done, challenge yourself to see beyond what you think you know.

Text Messages That Could Be Taken Out of Context

So every now and then I like to read through all my text messages in reverse so I can’t remember what the conversation was about and see if anything strikes me as funny. Today…these are the ones I picked. Out of context they sound really bad, no?

1. They’re scary…did you ride one?
2. I have the goose.
3. What a pretty kitty…meow!
4. Sure. Is she going to stalk me?
5. Practicing vital hockey skills. On himself.
6. Things I thought I’d never have to say: “Don’t stick the lollipop to your penis.”
7. That was fun. Thanks for last night. Jazz hands!!!
8. I’m measuring myself tonight. Not good.
9. Do you think it’s mental? Like because you can’t have it you want it?

Each text is a separate conversation. Can anyone guess the context? And no cheating Jenny Smith!!! 🙂

It Gets Better

All of these teens recently committing suicide over bullying just breaks my heart. It really does. We teach kids not to be violent, but I wonder are we also teaching them not to stand up for themselves? I don’t know…I just can’t wrap my head around kids believing that the only way for things to get better is by taking their own life instead of confronting their bullies or seeking help from someone…anyone. I don’t believe in violence…I don’t believe in teaching violence but I recieved some great advice from a preschool teacher.

Ava goes to preschool and there was a period where she was getting hit by other children. It happens. I know this. They are young and not quite skilled in expressing emotions. I once saw her get hit by another child…she sat there and took it. And the child hit her again. She took it again. This bothered me. In my head I was saying, “Hit her back…don’t let her beat on you and bully you.” This incident did not happen at school. So the  next day at school I asked her teacher, “How do I teach her that it’s not okay to hit, but that she shouldn’t allow herself to be hit. What do I teach her to do when she is being hit.” Her teacher said, “I teach the children that they have every right to defend themselves. That if another child comes into their personal space with intent to hurt that they should protect their space and push the child away.” I thought this was good advice. Of course I don’t want Ava to be violent, but I also don’t want her to be afraid to stand up for herself. She has every right to protect and defend herself and I hope as she grows older she practices that more than she does now.

But back to what I was saying…there’s this campaign going on about “It Gets Better” and it does. I think that as you get out of high school and college you realize that this is a big world and there are plenty of people out there who can relate to you…to your individuality and who will accept you exactly as you are. But in life, there are bullies, whether you’re a teenager or adult. There are people out there who just aren’t kind…who find joy in being narrow-minded and judgemental. And it really is sad. So the advice I have for teens is that it does get better…not so much because people change, but because you change. You become okay with who you are…you accept yourself…you love yourself and you worry less about people who have too much time on their hands and too much hatred in their hearts.