I’m Going to Karate Chop Someone

Normally I try to be all Zen-like toward people. Today is not a normal day. I gave up meat. Shut it…I don’t judge you for eating it, don’t judge me for not eating it. I just don’t like it that much. Except bacon. But bacon is not a meat. It’s so awesome it’s like it’s own planet.

So, this week I stop at the store and buy carrots and hummus because let’s be honest, if I’m giving up beef jerky I have to have some sort of snack. On Monday I put it in the fridge at work with my name on it in black permanent marker. I was out of the office on Wednesday. When I came back I had five carrots left. FIVE!!! Clearly I wasn’t even in the office to eat them and I would kind of remember eating a WHOLE BAG OF CARROTS (minus the five leftover for me). So I was kind of pissed, but thought, “Maybe someone just didn’t see my name on the bag. It happens.”

This morning I go to get my last five carrots, a few crackers and some hummus and this time…SOMEBODY ATE MY DAMN HUMMUS!!!! This is no mistake. I am being targeted for my food. I know it…I can feel it in my bones. So, I’ve come up with some ideas for handling this:

1. Leave a note that says, “You’re an asshole. Love, Janice”
2. Leave a note that says, “You owe me $7.82”
3. Leave a note that says, “Hope you enjoyed my carrots and hummus. P.S. I double-dip like a mo-fo”
4. Leave a note that says, “P.P.S. My daughter has the croup and I let her lick all the carrots.”
5. Hide in the fridge and when they open it explode out and yell, “Caught ya sucker!”
6. Put some eye drops in the hummus and see who spends the most time in the restroom next week.

Or I could just do this:

Tags: Bacon, Eating, Mean people suck, Stealing food from co-workers